Tag: Grief

Was It His or Her Time?

How should we understand disaster and how should we grieve when disaster impacts us? The author looks at the concept of death happening because of a spiritual cause or at an appointed time.

Recently, my brother-in-law witnessed an accident. A fourteen year old boy came flying down a street to a blind corner on an e-bike. He was from out-of-town and consequently didn’t know the street or apparently see the stop sign. He flew through the intersection and was hit by a car and thrown quite a distance. He didn’t make it. My brother-in-law was quite disturbed by what he saw. Understandably so. He later asked me, “Was it his time?”

The idea that there are appointed times does come from the Bible. There are appointed times for demons, Jesus’ return, the length of pestilence and other forms of punishment, day and night, gestation, and as Solomon and the Byrds said, “A time for every season under Heaven.” God knows the length of our days. There are plenty of instances where a person’s death is foretold, but is that the same as fore-ordained? I don’t think so.

It is hard to completely comprehend what it is like to be God and to transcend time. Our experience is completely within time. We experience things sequentially and cannot fathom not being within time.

To help understand my brother-laws question’s answer, let me ask some adjacent questions. Did God know that accident would happen? Yes. Did He cause that accident to happen? No. Why did it happen? The boy made a mistake. Could it have been avoided? Sure. Could God have stopped it? Yes. Why didn’t He? See below. God does cause some disasters to happen, but they are rare. Most disasters have no immediate spiritual causation. They are just the cause and effect of every factor involved.

The next biggest cause is apparently Satan. The Book of Job is a tough one to understand. Job and his friends think that God caused all things based on whether a person deserved it or not. The story of Job and later Jesus would refute that belief.

Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? I tell you no.

Luke 13:4-5a (ESV)

God didn’t cause Job’s suffering, Satan did. God didn’t even allow Job’s suffering unless you want to go way back and say that God allowed Satan his powers and his time. Satan punished Job to make a point that Job was not blameless. God only limited Job’s suffering. The tower in Siloam fell because of poor engineering or unsafe building practices, not the guilt of the workers or likely anything else.

We live in a world that is impacted by sin and the curse. “The curse”, a biblical term, seems to mean that God doesn’t tightly control what happens on Earth during this age. He hasn’t abandoned us. We would know it if He did. But the world does free wheel under cause-and-effect. The cause can be people’s sin or carelessness. The cause can be Satan influencing people or environment. The cause can be God’s intervention, but don’t expect God to prevent every evil or even many of them. In general, we are to feel the effects of the curse. It is what Adam and Eve got started.

When we grieve, we want to find something to blame or to change after-the-fact. God tends to get a lot of blame, usually for inaction. This reveals false assumptions about life. We think that this life should be fair, like Job and his friends. It is not. We think that this life is all there is or that it is the main thing for us. It is not. We think disaster can only happen to other people. It can happen to anyone, including us.

If we don’t blame God, we blame ourselves. That is not usually justified either. Yes, we could have taken another course of action and that would have changed cause-and-effect, but we cannot foresee many things like this. The pain of our grief needs to go somewhere else.

It is far better to ponder such questions when we are not clouded by pain and raw emotion. Job, a man of great faith, didn’t do so; and eventually blamed God for being unfair. God balled him out. Job retracted his accusations. He didn’t understand the scope of the events that led to his suffering. As tough as it was, he should have continued to trust God. I doubt that I could have done better, even with knowing the end of the story.

Knowing the “end” of this chapter of our story and of that of our loved ones can be a source of incredible strength. Losses like a tragic death are devastating. The boy’s death was upsetting to my brother-in-law, a mere bystander. It was far worse for the father, whom my brother-in-law saw fall to his knees. I sure they devastated the driver, who was keeping the law. We must grieve, but do not let such things destroy you. There is no point in that: it can have generation over generation negative effects, and it can imperil your salvation. If your understanding about life-after-death is strong and based on the tangible, reviewable evidence of God’s promise and action in Jesus, you will do much better. This isn’t a mind trick or wishful thinking. This is having right expectations about this life and the life to come.

Should I Let Them Go?

One of the toughest decisions we may have to make is to stop medical interventions and to let a loved one die.  We are eventually going to die no what we do.  We know that.  But somehow it seems right to pull out all the stops, no matter the cost in money and suffering, and to try to extend life–even if it is not right.  The medical profession is geared to do the same thing.   Even living wills often cannot stop efforts of relatives to keep life going.

It really doesn’t have to be that agonizing.  I put the biggest part of the blame on the person who is dying.  All of us should have detailed living wills, or at least candid discussions about death, even when we are in perfect health.  One never knows when things can turn for the worst.  Just look at those taken unprepared by the corona virus.  When I say detailed, I mean have the will cover some common medical scenarios.  For instance, if I have dementia, chronic pain, severe neurological disorders like Parkinson’s disease, “irreversible coma”, and the like; what do you want people to do if you are going to die with intervention?  Name it. By intervention, I mean administer such things as intubation, restart a stopped heart, have major surgery,  insert a feeding tube or even give antibiotics for sepsis.  No one has to do such things.

More important than your desire or willingness to go through painful procedures that may not give you quality of life, is your understanding of what comes next.  Your loved ones should know clearly your understanding.  Of course, your understanding doesn’t make it so.  But if you are closing in on death with no certainty, then you need to talk to people about what is known or believed and face the issue of death.  Too many people have coped with death by ignoring it all their lives.  That is very scary(and really foolish) at the end.  I have tried to minister to plenty of people, often relatives of our congregation members, who have found themselves in that predicament.

This entire blog has been dedicated toward explaining the Biblical revelation about life after death and how it correlates with other experiences like Near Death Experiences.What Should We Think of Near Death Experiences?  If someone is connected to Christ through faith and baptism, then they are ready.  Death alone doesn’t transport us to a “better place”.  Culturally, we just tell ourselves that to comfort us in our loss.  Jesus himself says that a majority don’t go to a better place, and he is the one who gives insight into eternity with proof.  He also is the only way to that “better place”.

Let me assume that you are ready.  You may not have a seamless faith in Jesus, that’s okay.  You are saved by a connection formed by God to Jesus and his death and resurrection.  You are not saved by believing hard enough.  You may have fear.  Few don’t.  Most people are afraid of the unknown.  If you or your loved one is ready, then why go through the physical suffering that medical science now affords us?  Say your good-byes.  Say what you have to say. If forgiving or asking for forgiveness is appropriate, definitely do that.  Medicine can make you comfortable through the death process.  Know that eternal life in Christ is not only better, it is much better.

Should you continue to extend the life of someone who is clearly not connected to Christ?  If you are a believer but your loved one is not, this is the time to pull out all the stops.  I would do it even if they were unconscious.  Tell them how you love them.  Tell them why you are explaining the Gospel.Why Everyone Needs Jesus Don’t accept denial at this point.  If they ask for baptism, baptize them.  Pray like crazy, because only God can create a saving faith, if anyone can.  Then, if it is their wish, let them go.  You will not know the result until you arrive in Heaven yourself.  Some pretty important stuff can happen at the final hour.

Earlier I said I primarily blame the dying person for not getting their loved ones ready for death.  If we are the “loved ones”, we bear some responsibility as well.  We should love each other, enjoy each other, talk frankly with each other about heavy subjects like death and life after death.  But do not create a relationship so dependent on anyone that we cannot conceive of life without them.  We put that level of dependence on God alone. Not everyone gets to die first.  Grieving cannot and should not be completely avoided.  Life and death decisions should be determined by the needs of the dying person, not their grieving family.  The family needs to be strong and prepared.  Again, denial about the reality of death is a lousy coping mechanism.

Covid-19 forced many people to die alone.  This is very sad.  Actually, I have found that some people prefer to be alone.  They will let the people holding vigil at their bedside leave, and then they will sneak out.  Most would like the comfort of someone nearby, even if it isn’t a relative.  Again preparedness is important.  I would love to die surrounded by my living family and friends, but I know that I am never alone if I belong to Christ.  If you have the same faith, make sure your family knows it.

I am not afraid to die, even alone.  In fact, I look forward to that day.  I am here to do the work of God, enjoy the unique aspects of this life, enjoy my family and friends, and then to meet you on the other side.

O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory though our Lord Jesus Christ.    1 Corinthians 15:55-57